Misc. jokes

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.
"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Good News, Bad News, Worse News
Good:
You came home for a quickie
Bad:
The postman had the same idea
Worse:
You have to wait

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the
bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other
one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the
same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's
going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The
man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date
drunk."