Why............

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
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If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're goin g?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Maxine's slide down the bannister of life........

As you slide down the banister of life remember......

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way

Men & Women Jokes...........

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill. "
She says nothing and ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"
She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Top ten things not to say on your anniversary!

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I've got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut you up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Pics n stuff

Pee and have an audience too!

Yep - a cookery book with semen based recipes..........

HA! Know this one too well ... now where did I put my axe sharpener?!?!?!

Well - he was honest!

Pussy juice - for added energy - now with added Milk Thissle..............

Wow - DIY just keep getting more advanced - 'do your own colonoscopy at home!!!'

Allergen info: contains eggs ... well duhhhh!

uh huh!!!!!

Love this - free air guitar!!

How used??? Are they joints and burgers now???

Communist weather forecast; poor doggy!

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Types of girlfriends.................

Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages:(.*)

Old Yeller
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages:(.*)

Sickly
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages:(.*)

The Bosser
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages:(.*)

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages:(.*)

Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages:(.*)

Huffy
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages:(.*)

Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages:(.*)

Ms. Dreamgirl
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages:(.*)

Types of boyfriends.................

Joe Sensitive
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover. Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones
"Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak
"Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: hunted to extinction

The Dreamer
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right ...............

Quickies.........

Detained without trial.
Dressed in orange.
Repeatedly asked questions, they don't know the answers to.
How would you like to work in Homebase???!!!!!

A blonde friend of mine texted me asking, "what does idk stand for?"
I text her back back saying, "I Don't Know."
She replied, "omg, no one does!"

In the song Karma Chameleon by the Culture Club, Boy George sang, "I'm a man without conviction........."
He's not anymore..........

Boy George has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. His Lawyer has released a statement to his fans saying he is actually looking forward to it.. first thing he is going to do is have a shower.......

I was watching the show, 'When Animals Attack' the other day.
I reckon they should call it, 'When Stupid People Get Bitten.'

I went for a job interview.
The interviewer told me I would earn £1200 per month.
Then after six months I would be on £1400 per month.
I told him I'd start in six months time.....

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
"It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"

Boy George has appealed against his 15 month prison sentence in an all male prison...he wanted at least 5 years.

A surgeon went to check on his patient, a blonde. She was awake
so he examined her.
"You're doing fine," he said.
"Well how long will it be before I'm able to resume my normal sex life doctor?"
The surgeon paused, and was rather lost for words.
"What's the matter doctor, I am gonna be OK , aint I ?"
"Yes, yes, I'm sorry, you'll be fine...it's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

How to keep a woman happy & how to keep a man happy.....

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
=========================================
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed him.
2. Fuck him.
3. Be quiet.

Pics n stuff.......

'how a misunderstood President fixed our broken economy.' This has to come under most embarrassing book ever category - his sequel is based on Gordon Brown!

nice bell.......

chickens!!!!!

do people actually think before giving their kids names .......

not sayin a thing.....

the desert BMW!!!

'tastes like homo'........ really!!!!

I gotta get me one of these!!!!

You can tell it's going to be a bad day when.........

You wake up - face down on the pavement

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party but there aren't any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache

Your boss tells you to not bother taking off your coat

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard

You wake up and your braces are locked together

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife

Your income tax check bounces

You put both contact lenses in the same eye

Your pet rock snaps at you

Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George.

Duck hunters...........

A duck hunter was enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked to a tree and propped up his gun. A gust of wind blew it over.

It discharged shooting him in his genitals.

Several hours later in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that you will be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot.

''What is the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is there was some extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to refer you to my brother."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad" the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?''

"No'' answered the doctor. "He is a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

(thanks for this one Karen x)

How fights get started................

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.......

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said..
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Feeding the pigeons.....

A 75 YEAR OLD WOMAN LIKED SITTING BY THE PARK FEEDING THE PIGEONS.

ONE DAY SHE BROUGHT WITH HER A WHOLE LOAF OF FRESH BREAD JUST TO FEED HER DAILY COMPANY. LITTLE BY LITTLE, PINCH BY PINCH, SHE FED EACH PIGEON WITH JOY.

SHE SAT THERE WITHOUT BEING NOTICED BY ANYONE IN THE RICH SUBURBAN NEIGHBOURHOOD.

THEN SUDDENLY A MAN IN HIS EARLY 40'S RAINED ON HER PARADE BY TELLING HER THAT SHE SHOULDN'T THROW AWAY GOOD FOOD ON A BUNCH OF PIGEONS THAT CAN FIND FOOD ANYWHERE WHEN THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE STARVING IN AFRICA.

SHE REPLIED IN CRAZED ANGER AND WITHOUT HESITATION.........................
"I CAN'T THROW THAT FAR ASSHOLE."

Pun............

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Due to this diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .

Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Today's quickies.....

Marks and Spencer....................................
This isn't just any P45...............................
This P45 comes lovingly wrapped in a crisp white envelope
With gorgeously detailed fine writing!

I had a wet dream about my ex the other day......
He was drowning!!!!

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.

Do you ever find that when looking after toddler, you have the same conversations as when looking after your drunk friend after a night out?
1. What's wrong dude, why are you crying?
2. What is he saying? I dunno, what are you saying?
3. Are you hungry? Do you think he wants to eat?
4. Come on, try to walk...he can't walk
5. Oh my god he threw up
6. Why is he naked? Who took his clothes off? Did you take your clothes off?

I was playing Yahtzee against the Grim Reaper the other day......
Talk about dicing with death!!
(dicing with death ....... heh I slay me!)

What can you usually find in a man's trousers that is about 6 inches long, has a head, and women like to blow?
A £20 note.

I'm not normally a supporter of Maggie Thatcher but nowadays I believe the poll tax could have worked.
It would amuse me greatly to see all these builders paying for my pension.

A friend of mine got a new girlfriend , Muslim , nice girl.
She kept going on about a blow job and he wasn't sure whether to get excited or warn London Transport.......

Top Tip for the Guys::
Fill your inflatable sex doll with helium so that you still get some of the thrill of the chase.

Roping.........

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks,"What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband a bit flustered answers,"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"
She replies,"Oh I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks,"What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again,"Them horses they're roping!"
She replies,"Oh I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"
"Well darlin'." he chuckles proudly."That's ma rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps,"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those'r my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"
Her husband panting a little asks,"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies,"undo them damn knots - I need more rope!"

That's how I roll............

http://bigeyedeer.wordpress.com/2008/07/15/this-cartoon-wrote-a-sweary-word-on-your-toilet-wall/